Sunday, January 25, 2009
Christ The Comic Book Character or Superstar?
JERUSALEM, January 25 - Israel's Chief Sephardic Rabbi Shlomo Amar has pardoned a group of Jesus deniers, known as The JDs of Brooklyn, who claim that Christianity was manufactured by disgruntled Jews in 31 A.D. who were spurned in their attempt to include Roman candles in their Hanukah celebration.
Rabbi Amar said the JDs promised to stop eating ham sandwiches and roughing up child-molesting priests in exchange for his blessing. Their beliefs concerning the New Testament, he explained, reflected their personal opinions and not necessarily those of the Jewish faith.
JD Spokesman Bugsie Lieberman noted that Christianity's only contributions to the human race include the Inquisition, the Ku Klux Klan, and over-population. He likened the Pope to a character on Saturday Night Live and expressed amazement how Catholics every few years pull an old, demented geezer out of the closet and make him head of the Church. "It's like Americans pulling a pea-brained frat boy out of the closet and making him President," said Lieberman.
"Jesus was a figment of a writer's imagination, someone like Isaac Bashevis Singer, and the story continued like a newspaper comic strip," Lieberman explained. "In place of TV and radio, these so-called New Testament stories were passed on as part of an oral tradition, keeping the masses entertained for thousands of years," he pointed out.
Catholics around the world fear that Rabbi Amar's pardon will spur anti-semitism and provoke hatred toward Israel. "We just put our stamp of approval on the Holocaust story," said a spokesman for the Pope, "and these JDs have to ruin it all by announcing on Fox News that the Last Supper was really an ancient stag night with strippers and a prelude to a gay marriage ceremony."
Lieberman insists that gay marriage was common at the time and that's why Mary and Joseph, who were working in a Roman pizza parlor, were considered outcasts when Mary got pregnant. "Joseph was the play toy of his Roman boss and it was considered bad form for him to be also screwing one of the waitresses," he said. "It's truly amazing how this perverted story became the basis of a major religion."
Jesus denial can be traced back to the 1970s when the rock opera Jesus Christ Superstar opened on Broadway. A whole generation grew up viewing Jesus as a character in pop culture, according to Christian values historian Anita Bryant. "Jesus became a movie star and the gay community adored him," she said. "We fought valiantly to hang the homosexuals back in the closet."
Rabbi Amar explained that Jews will be Jews and the religion needs to embrace everyone of the Hebrew faith even if they served Chinese food at their Bar Mitzvah. "Jesus denial is not kosher," the rabbi admitted. "So who doesn't cheat once in a while and indulge in an egg roll or two?"
Rabbi Amar said the JDs promised to stop eating ham sandwiches and roughing up child-molesting priests in exchange for his blessing. Their beliefs concerning the New Testament, he explained, reflected their personal opinions and not necessarily those of the Jewish faith.
JD Spokesman Bugsie Lieberman noted that Christianity's only contributions to the human race include the Inquisition, the Ku Klux Klan, and over-population. He likened the Pope to a character on Saturday Night Live and expressed amazement how Catholics every few years pull an old, demented geezer out of the closet and make him head of the Church. "It's like Americans pulling a pea-brained frat boy out of the closet and making him President," said Lieberman.
"Jesus was a figment of a writer's imagination, someone like Isaac Bashevis Singer, and the story continued like a newspaper comic strip," Lieberman explained. "In place of TV and radio, these so-called New Testament stories were passed on as part of an oral tradition, keeping the masses entertained for thousands of years," he pointed out.
Catholics around the world fear that Rabbi Amar's pardon will spur anti-semitism and provoke hatred toward Israel. "We just put our stamp of approval on the Holocaust story," said a spokesman for the Pope, "and these JDs have to ruin it all by announcing on Fox News that the Last Supper was really an ancient stag night with strippers and a prelude to a gay marriage ceremony."
Lieberman insists that gay marriage was common at the time and that's why Mary and Joseph, who were working in a Roman pizza parlor, were considered outcasts when Mary got pregnant. "Joseph was the play toy of his Roman boss and it was considered bad form for him to be also screwing one of the waitresses," he said. "It's truly amazing how this perverted story became the basis of a major religion."
Jesus denial can be traced back to the 1970s when the rock opera Jesus Christ Superstar opened on Broadway. A whole generation grew up viewing Jesus as a character in pop culture, according to Christian values historian Anita Bryant. "Jesus became a movie star and the gay community adored him," she said. "We fought valiantly to hang the homosexuals back in the closet."
Rabbi Amar explained that Jews will be Jews and the religion needs to embrace everyone of the Hebrew faith even if they served Chinese food at their Bar Mitzvah. "Jesus denial is not kosher," the rabbi admitted. "So who doesn't cheat once in a while and indulge in an egg roll or two?"
Monday, January 19, 2009
Hamas, Israel Join Forces In Public Works Project
JERUSALEM, January 19 - The so-called Palestinian terrorist organization Hamas signed an agreement with Israel to build a subway tunnel connecting Israeli cities with the West Bank, Gaza, Syria, and Lebanon. Known for their outstanding tunneling ability, Hamas leaders say they will now channel their frustrations in a constructive way and make millions of dollars in the process.
"We are delighted that the Hamas leadership finally saw the light and is willing, God be praised, to focus their explosive energies underground," said Israeli foreign minister Tzipi Livni. "I am confident they will complete the task in rocket time."
"We always suspected Israeli moles in our organization but now we realize it was our own members with tiny eyes, hairy arms and tunnel vision making us suspicious," said Hamas spokesman Mahmoud Zahar. "We could have completed Boston's Big Dig in a matter of months instead of years," he proudly proclaimed.
The train will eventually make express stops in Gaza, Jerusalem, West Bank, Tel Aviv, Haifa, Golan Heights, Damascus and Beirut. Stations will alternate with Hebrew and Arabic names, often in memory of prominent leaders. The Moshe Dayan Station, for example, will borrow the single eye over a pyramid graphic from the U.S. dollar bill as a decorative motif. An Arab station may feature cartoon depictions of Allah or low key anti-semitic slogans in graffiti style.
While the Israelis will build the trains and tracks once the tunnel is completed, Hamas will be in charge of developing tourist attractions along the route. One proposed project will be a suicide stadium.
Radical volunteers would be able to blow themselves up under controlled conditions while judges and spectators would watch from a distance. Contestants would be rated by a panel of international judges on the thoroughness of their dismemberment and cash prizes awarded to the winners' families. "We're hoping that this new sport will eventually be included in Olympic competition," Zahar pointed out.
While names such as Metro, Underground, or simply The T were considered for the new transportation system, both parties have agreed to Hamas Transit. Trains will run from sundown Saturday to sundown Friday and will have names such as Mosque Rider and Kike Runner. Prayer rugs and yamakas will be sold at concession stands throughout the system
"It's gratifying to see two arch enemies finally working together," said former Secretary of State Heinz Alfred (Henry) Kissinger. "I've always advised the Palestinians, if the Jew fits, wear it."
"We are delighted that the Hamas leadership finally saw the light and is willing, God be praised, to focus their explosive energies underground," said Israeli foreign minister Tzipi Livni. "I am confident they will complete the task in rocket time."
"We always suspected Israeli moles in our organization but now we realize it was our own members with tiny eyes, hairy arms and tunnel vision making us suspicious," said Hamas spokesman Mahmoud Zahar. "We could have completed Boston's Big Dig in a matter of months instead of years," he proudly proclaimed.
The train will eventually make express stops in Gaza, Jerusalem, West Bank, Tel Aviv, Haifa, Golan Heights, Damascus and Beirut. Stations will alternate with Hebrew and Arabic names, often in memory of prominent leaders. The Moshe Dayan Station, for example, will borrow the single eye over a pyramid graphic from the U.S. dollar bill as a decorative motif. An Arab station may feature cartoon depictions of Allah or low key anti-semitic slogans in graffiti style.
While the Israelis will build the trains and tracks once the tunnel is completed, Hamas will be in charge of developing tourist attractions along the route. One proposed project will be a suicide stadium.
Radical volunteers would be able to blow themselves up under controlled conditions while judges and spectators would watch from a distance. Contestants would be rated by a panel of international judges on the thoroughness of their dismemberment and cash prizes awarded to the winners' families. "We're hoping that this new sport will eventually be included in Olympic competition," Zahar pointed out.
While names such as Metro, Underground, or simply The T were considered for the new transportation system, both parties have agreed to Hamas Transit. Trains will run from sundown Saturday to sundown Friday and will have names such as Mosque Rider and Kike Runner. Prayer rugs and yamakas will be sold at concession stands throughout the system
"It's gratifying to see two arch enemies finally working together," said former Secretary of State Heinz Alfred (Henry) Kissinger. "I've always advised the Palestinians, if the Jew fits, wear it."
