Thursday, August 16, 2007

 

Rove To Head A Wal-Mart Takeover Campaign

WASHINGTON, August 16 - The Edgar Bergen behind the Charlie McCarthy in the White House who just announced the conclusion of his political jaw manipulation career will soon assume responsibility for a nation-wide takeover plan by the Wal-Mart Corporation.

According to a Congressional source involved in an investigation of the giant retailer, Wal-Mart is secretly planning to create a series of Wal-Mart Marketing Districts or WMDs in an attempt to destroy 90 percent of small businesses across the country. Karl Rove, he said, was recruited to head this campaign.

When questioned about this report, Rove refused to comment. "I just want to spend more time in relationships with no strings attached," he said.

According to email messages leaked to Cheaters & Liars, Wal-Mart will build hundreds of new stores nationwide, offering a wide variety of new products below cost in direct competition with local businesses. An advertising campaign will accuse local merchants of price gouging and proclaim that shopping at Wal-Mart for every household need will save the average consumer thousands of dollars a year.

Rove reportedly has been secretly working on this plan for the past two years. According to a White House aide who requested anonymity, President Bush gave Rove his blessing to pursue the Wal-Mart deal although Rove's lips appeared to be moving slightly as Bush was heard to say "Go for it, Karl!"

While the President wouldn't directly comment on Rove's involvement with Wal-Mart, he did say "What's good for Wal-Mart is good for the country" at a recent press conference. Bush proclaimed the giant retailer will need a growing number of employees in the coming years and recommended that schools start preparing students for jobs as greeters, sales associates, stockroom workers, and managers.

"We need a school program called 'Every Child Right Behind' that will deliver well trained, accommodating employees to the Wal-Mart Corporation," said Bush. The President's proposed program, according to a White House spokesman, would include ever changing attendance schedules, after-school classroom work for no extra credit, consistently low grades, limited praise for girls, and leadership roles for boys only. Jimmy Hoffa impersonators would talk about the evils of labor unions in every classroom.

In addition, illegal immigrants would be offered green cards if they agreed to clean Wal-Mart stores for less than minimum wage.

In an email message, Rove told Wal-Mart CEO Lee Scott that he will do for the company what he did for the Republican Party. "The country needs one permanent retailer who will lead the American workforce into the twenty-second century," he wrote. "Wal-Mart will eventually become the Big Brother to every man, woman, and child in the U.S. and around the world."

The President had no further comments on the subject. Since Rove left the White House Bush has been speechless, according to his staff.

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