Cheaters and Liars

WASHINGTON, April 28 - Senator John McCain said that if he doesn't become the Republican presidential nominee he will quit the Senate and become a stand-up comic. McCain admitted frustration about having to be very careful, as a politician, when attempting humor in public. "I have a natural comic persona," he explained, "and it has been largely stifled since I was released from the POW camp in Vietnam."

The presidential hopeful from Arizona said he has committed to memory hundreds of original ethnic, sexist, and homophobic jokes that are bursting his seams. "If you think 'Bomb, bomb, bomb Iran' was funny," said the Senator, "wait 'til you hear the one about the abortionist, priest, and faggot entering a bar."

McCain related how he survived as a prisoner of war for five years by entertaining his Vietnamese captors with American-style comic routines. "They didn't get it at first," he admitted, "but after a couple of years they started to laugh at inappropriate times." He said they particularly liked his impersonations of President Nixon jumping up and down while scratching under his arms.

The Senator said he often entertains his staff with dead Iraqi jokes, impersonations of lazy southern negroes, and one-man skits involving dumb blonds and homosexuals. "There is nothing sacred when I am in the privacy of my office," he admitted.

"I even sing a song about the Bush Administration to the tune of Colonel Bogey, the theme song from Bridge On The River Kwai. During the war British troops supplied offensive words to this tune about Hitler, Goering and Himmler," McCain pointed out. When asked to sing it for this reporter McCain stood on his desk and belted out these lyrics:

Cheney, has only one ball;
Bushy, has two but they are small;
Alberto, left his in Gitmo,
And Condi has none at all.

McCain concedes that some people may find his humor offensive. But he will tell them to "lighten up." If people can't joke about one another, according to the Senator, then there's no point to living in a democracy. "When the Sunnis, Shiites, and Kurds can poke fun at each other's religious beliefs without losing their heads then there will be some hope for a stable Iraq," he predicted.

While the jury is still out on McCain the presidential nominee or entertainer, many Republicans now say they will vote for him just to keep him off the stage. "I will serve my country in either capacity," said the Senator. "What America needs today is either a down-to-earth leader in flip-flops or a comic who is an equal opportunity offender. I can fulfill either role."

WASHINGTON, April 24 - A newly formed U.S. corporation will help rescue manufacturers of products either banned or losing market share within the U.S. with sales to third-world countries. Named "Three Guys From DC" and headed by three former senior members of the Bush Administration, the corporation is expected to rival companies like Enron, Tyco and Halliburton with unprecedented growth.

Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, former World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz, and former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales have teamed up to make a killing in the international marketplace. They will be promoting everything from drugs that have been pulled from the market due to safety considerations to switch-blade knives and Saturday night specials.

"With a limited number of salesmen and some American-style arm twisting we will be moving huge amounts of castoff items throughout Africa, South America and the Middle East," predicted Rumsfeld.

"If these countries don't have the wherewithal to make purchases from our vast catalogue of American-made goodies we will give them credit at favorable interest rates of about 20%," added Wolfowitz.

"Although some of our items may have questionable value and safety concerns, it is perfectly legal to sell them outside the U.S.," explained Gonzales. "I don't recall any laws or constraints that would make us liable for adverse consequences from our products."

Featured in the company's inaugural catalogue are cheap, unfiltered cigarettes with a nicotine additive, Home & Garden DDT, Mad-Cow brand animal feed, and Vioxx from Merck & Company. Hand guns for as little as $9.95 U.S. will be marketed as "debt collectors" and "marriage fixers" in countries with weak legal systems, according to the three guys.

Wall Street investors have given the corporation its highest rating. "You have a CEO who can sell anything, including a hair-brained war; a chairman who can plan anything from an Iraq invasion to a high paid mistress; and a top legal advisor who sees no evil, hears no evil, and remembers nothing," described a former Arthur Andersen CPA who requested anonymity. "How can you beat that team?"

Three Guys From DC will be soliciting U.S. products with a slogan "Don't Be A Chump, Let Us Do Your Dump." But in the overseas marketplace the slogan will read "American Products To Die For." The three guys will even perform a singing commercial to the tune of "If I Only Had A Brain."

Republican lawmakers are flocking to take advantage of the initial public offering. "This type of American ingenuity is vital to the economic health of our nation," said presidential hopeful John McCain. "It's amazing what will develop when you combine the wits of three individuals for a total of one-and-a-half. That's enough brain power to send a man to Uranus," he added.

NEW YORK, April 12 - Radio commentator Rashid Limbo found himself somewhere between heaven and hell this week after making a politically incorrect remark about the Iraq Veterans Against The War. Although his listening audience of more than one million increased by 20 percent after he called members of that organization "hippy-haired homos," protests from around the country called for the cancellation of his show.

Although Limbo later apologized, saying his comments were meant as humor, the spokesman for Gay Gunners For Peace, Ali Sharpshooter, suggested that Limbo perform on a platform in a Baghdad marketplace. "If the Iraqis don't find him funny they can simply send in a suicide bomber," he said.

Senator John McCain agreed that Limbo's remarks were "somewhat inappropriate," but he pointed out that the radio commentator was "in touch with the country's pulse" with his criticism of American war protestors. "Limbo is supporting our boys fighting for freedom in Iraq and if I'm elected president I would nominate him as the U.S. Representative to the United Nations," McCain added.

Vice-President Dick Cheney admitted he found Limbo "very funny" and said there was nothing wrong with gay bashing in a free society. "If you chose to be a traitor to your country you shouldn't complain if someone makes fun of your hair style or sexual preference on the air," he said. "Personally, I'm still waiting for someone like Limbo to come up with a good joke about anti-war quadriplegics."

Several major advertisers have pulled their ads from Limbo's show including Preparation H, Fixodent Denture Cream, and Ex-Lax. But a number of corporations supporting Limbo's views including Heil Halliburton Inc., Blackwater Mercenaries, and Texas Oil, have vowed to fill any advertising gaps.

Limbo, who has been suspended for two days following a through investigation by the Wolf News Network, has agreed to meet with representatives of Iraq Veterans Against The War. "I offered to pay for their haircuts and private counseling sessions with Dr. Ann Coulter but they didn't seem too interested," he reported.

"I'd rather make a bargain with the devil than have anything to do with Limbo," said Sharpshooter. "They say deep down he's a real good person, like he raises money for the Neo-Nazi Cripple Children's Fund. I'd say six feet under may not be deep down enough."

FCC Chairman Kevin J. Martin said he received a formal complaint against Limbo but he found nothing that would require any action by his agency. He claimed he was not pressured by the Bush Administration to disavow the dispute but if called by Congress to testify, he said he would take the fifth. "I have nothing to hide," Martin noted.

WASHINGTON, April 8 - In response to a faltering presidential campaign, Senator John McCain announced that he will undergo a brain transplant at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center. The donated brain, said the presidential hopeful, will come from a prominent member of the Republican party, but he declined to supply the donor's name or any details.

McCain's intelligence has been seriously questioned in recent months. His unequivocal support of the Iraq war, the staged shopping spree at a Baghdad marketplace, and his description of Democratic congressmen as "pussywhipped pansies" has led potential contributors to his campaign to withhold support.

A team of doctors at Walter Reed who examined McCain concluded that his five years of torture and captivity in Vietnam may be the cause of spontaneous synapse misfires in his brain's frontal lobes, resulting in erratic behavior, similar to a normally friendly dog suddenly attacking its master.

This may account for some of his poor judgment including his financial dealings with Charles Keating who was convicted of racketeering and fraud in both state and federal court after his Lincoln Savings & Loan collapsed, and sending birthday regards and regrets for not attending, to Joseph "Joe Bananas" Bonano, the head of the New York Bonano crime family, who had retired to Arizona.

McCain said the transplant will improve his image among all segments of the Republican Party, especially those who accuse him of marching down the yellow brick road in his bid for the presidency with straw for brains. "I admit I made a number of tactical errors in my campaign but soon I will have the wherewithal to challenge any Democratic candidate, including the lady and the chimp," he argued.

The Republican presidential hopeful said he has complete confidence in the doctors and staff at Walter Reed. "Any American wounded in Iraq will get the full benefits of this high caliber facility," he announced. But it was learned that McCain's surgeons will come from Johns Hopkins and a special recovery room, designed by California architect Frank Geary and decorated by Martha Stewart, was recently installed to accommodate the Senator.

While no one in Washington disputes the fact that McCain could benefit from a brain transplant, there is much speculation about the donor. According to a high administration official who requested anonymity, the Bush family may sacrifice one of its own as the only viable way to keep Republicans in power. "A genuine war hero who thinks and acts like a Bush may be just the right combination to win the election in 2008," said the source. "It's a Republican no-brainer."

WASHINGTON, April 3 - Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice announced that she will undergo a sex change operation in the coming months. "I want to be able to negotiate man-to-man with world leaders," she said. "I can be more effective if I can light up a cigar with the boys at the end of a long day."

President Bush initially said he was not pleased with Rice's announcement and he may ask her to resign. "I hired a woman to do a man's job," he explained. "If I wanted a man doing a woman's job I would have hired a real man," he said.

Growing up, Rice admitted she was always envious of the boys. "I used to wear my father's Jockey shorts," she said. "And when I played with my international dolls I would tell them to behave or I would blow their heads off."

Rice pointed out that any name change would be minor. She is considering Colineezza in deference to her predecessor at the State Department. "It will be a breath of fresh air when world leaders stop calling me a 'bitch' behind my back," she said.

This would be the first time a member of a president's cabinet had a sex change operation while in office. Although it was rumored that White House officials in the Nixon Administration would occasionally party in drag at Camp David, it is not known whether any of them had sexual realignment surgery.

Both Arab and Israeli leaders said they would welcome the change. "Women should stay at home cooking and making babies," said a Palestinian official who requested anonymity. "When Rice becomes a man it will be much easier for her to kick ass with the Arabs," commented an Israeli diplomat who asked not be identified.

The religious right is reportedly putting pressure on President Bush to fire his Secretary of State because, they say, the Bible condemns sex changes in either direction. According to Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family, "God warned us about a wolf in lamb's clothing. I don't care what the surgeons do to her," he said, "she will never be allowed in the men's room in my church."

Rice said she will be undeterred by any negative criticism. "Someone has to wear the pants in this administration and I intend to do it," she insisted. "The so-called 'real men' who are in charge are making a mess of our country. It's time for someone with a new set of balls to straighten things out."

According to a White House spokesman, Bush now says he has complete confidence in his Secretary of State and staying on the job will be up to him or her. However, Rice will have to testify and defend her decision before Congress and she may have to undergo a new confirmation hearing.

"If I buy some rice and when I get home I find out I have potatoes in the bag someone's going to have a lot of explaining to do," said Utah Senator Orrin Hatch.