Saturday, February 17, 2007
Vice-President Plants A Seed For Posterity
WASHINGTON, February 17 - Mary Cheney, the lesbian daughter of Vice-President Dick Cheney, announced that her recent pregnancy is a result of the implantation of donated sperm from her father. "I wanted a son just like my dad," she said, adding that two mothers will help bring out the gentler side of "little Dick Jr."
Cheney's partner, Heather Poe, pointed out that it would be delightful to have a "little Dick" around the house. "Someday he might even be president," she imagined. "Then he could support gay marriage, gays in the military, and gay sex in the oval office."
A spokesman for the Vice-President said that Cheney had hoped to clone himself prior to leaving office and impregnating his daughter with his own sperm was the next best option. When questioned about the procedure the spokesman explained that it was done in a medically approved way.
"The Vice-President went into the bathroom at his doctor's office with a paper cup and a copy of the magazine "Gay Life." The whole procedure took less than a minute, he said.
The response from conservative Republicans was outrage. "That's incest," exclaimed Focus on the Family Director Dr. James Dobson. "Combine that sin with a lesbian upbringing and you will end up with a person who will tolerate every imaginable relationship and refuse to fight for his or her country," he added. "Non-discriminatory tolerance and pacifism is a perversion that will bring an end to western civilization."
Senator Orin Hatch insisted that Cheney should resign. "It's bad enough he shot his best friend in the face with a shotgun but supplying the ammunition for his daughter's baby launcher is treason," Hatch proclaimed.
The Vice-President was expecting the negative fallout from this announcement, according to his spokesman, and originally convinced President Bush to make the donation. But once in the bathroom with a copy of his favorite "Soldier of Fortune" magazine he was unable to make the necessary surge," the spokesman explained.
Despite all the furor, Mary Cheney is acting like a typical expectant mother, attending a series of baby showers sponsored by Haliburton and promoting videos of her fetal monitoring. She says she spurred her father's cooperation by considering Bill Clinton for the job although she didn't have an oral understanding with the former president. "I was afraid he would blow me right off," she admitted.
"My dad turned red in the face at the mention of Clinton and told me to go 'F' myself," Cheney reported. "I said, OK, but you supply the sperm."
Cheney says she is considering writing a book about her experience entitled "It Takes a White House Pillager to Make a Child." Publisher Rupert Murdoch reportedly offered her a six-figure advance for the story.
Cheney's partner, Heather Poe, pointed out that it would be delightful to have a "little Dick" around the house. "Someday he might even be president," she imagined. "Then he could support gay marriage, gays in the military, and gay sex in the oval office."
A spokesman for the Vice-President said that Cheney had hoped to clone himself prior to leaving office and impregnating his daughter with his own sperm was the next best option. When questioned about the procedure the spokesman explained that it was done in a medically approved way.
"The Vice-President went into the bathroom at his doctor's office with a paper cup and a copy of the magazine "Gay Life." The whole procedure took less than a minute, he said.
The response from conservative Republicans was outrage. "That's incest," exclaimed Focus on the Family Director Dr. James Dobson. "Combine that sin with a lesbian upbringing and you will end up with a person who will tolerate every imaginable relationship and refuse to fight for his or her country," he added. "Non-discriminatory tolerance and pacifism is a perversion that will bring an end to western civilization."
Senator Orin Hatch insisted that Cheney should resign. "It's bad enough he shot his best friend in the face with a shotgun but supplying the ammunition for his daughter's baby launcher is treason," Hatch proclaimed.
The Vice-President was expecting the negative fallout from this announcement, according to his spokesman, and originally convinced President Bush to make the donation. But once in the bathroom with a copy of his favorite "Soldier of Fortune" magazine he was unable to make the necessary surge," the spokesman explained.
Despite all the furor, Mary Cheney is acting like a typical expectant mother, attending a series of baby showers sponsored by Haliburton and promoting videos of her fetal monitoring. She says she spurred her father's cooperation by considering Bill Clinton for the job although she didn't have an oral understanding with the former president. "I was afraid he would blow me right off," she admitted.
"My dad turned red in the face at the mention of Clinton and told me to go 'F' myself," Cheney reported. "I said, OK, but you supply the sperm."
Cheney says she is considering writing a book about her experience entitled "It Takes a White House Pillager to Make a Child." Publisher Rupert Murdoch reportedly offered her a six-figure advance for the story.
