Thursday, November 16, 2006
Iraq Taskforce Recommends Creative Solutions
WASHINGTON, November 16 - Proposals to extradite American troops from Iraq in a report by the Baker-Hamilton Taskforce, leaked to Cheaters & Liars, contains a number of novel and creative ways to end the U.S. occupation.
High on the list is a plan for giving Iraq to Iran in exchange for Iran giving up its nuclear program. The strong Iranian clerics would help bring peace to the divided country, according to the report, and would make the brutal tactics of the insurgents look like child's play to any uncooperative Iraqi infidels. "The Iraqi motherfuckers would keep the Iranian motherfuckers preoccupied and they would forget about fucking over the Israelis for a while," said a member of the taskforce who requested anonymity.
Reinstating Saddam Hussein with certain provisos is another proposal at the top of the list. Under this plan, the Kurds would get their way and the Sunnis and Shiites would get Vice President Dick Cheney to oversee all water-related interrogations. "Pacifying the Iraqis will be a slam-dunk under this scenario," according to the anonymous source. "Saddam will be in charge of the slam and Cheney will follow through with the dunk just like the American version of good cop, bad cop."
Proposals further down the list include shipping boat loads of bananas to Iraq to mollify the Muslim "macacas" or giving the green light to North Korea to use Baghdad as a nuclear testing site. An even better solution, according to the report, would be to hand over George W. Bush to the Iraqis as a P.O.W. until an American-style democracy was in place. When questioned about this recommendation the president told Cheaters & Liars he thought his mom Barbara would make a more sympathetic prisoner and would seriously consider volunteering her services.
If none of the Baker-Hamilton Taskforce recommendations are implemented in the near future, it is rumored that former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice are planning to open a ballroom dancing studio in Baghdad, with franchises across the country, as a way to keep the Iraqis who are out of step with the American way in line. Their marketing slogan will be "No Iraqi With Two Left Feet Behind."
"With a small number of instructors, minimal equipment, no body armor and lots of open space we'll have those termite terrorists dancing in the streets to the strains of Guy Lombardo and his orchestra in no time," Rumsfeld told Cheaters & Liars. "If that doesn't put an end to the violent Iraq and Roll era within four to six months I will get on my knees and kiss Condi's big, brown ass," he added.
"Isn't Rummy sweet," replied Rice.
High on the list is a plan for giving Iraq to Iran in exchange for Iran giving up its nuclear program. The strong Iranian clerics would help bring peace to the divided country, according to the report, and would make the brutal tactics of the insurgents look like child's play to any uncooperative Iraqi infidels. "The Iraqi motherfuckers would keep the Iranian motherfuckers preoccupied and they would forget about fucking over the Israelis for a while," said a member of the taskforce who requested anonymity.
Reinstating Saddam Hussein with certain provisos is another proposal at the top of the list. Under this plan, the Kurds would get their way and the Sunnis and Shiites would get Vice President Dick Cheney to oversee all water-related interrogations. "Pacifying the Iraqis will be a slam-dunk under this scenario," according to the anonymous source. "Saddam will be in charge of the slam and Cheney will follow through with the dunk just like the American version of good cop, bad cop."
Proposals further down the list include shipping boat loads of bananas to Iraq to mollify the Muslim "macacas" or giving the green light to North Korea to use Baghdad as a nuclear testing site. An even better solution, according to the report, would be to hand over George W. Bush to the Iraqis as a P.O.W. until an American-style democracy was in place. When questioned about this recommendation the president told Cheaters & Liars he thought his mom Barbara would make a more sympathetic prisoner and would seriously consider volunteering her services.
If none of the Baker-Hamilton Taskforce recommendations are implemented in the near future, it is rumored that former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice are planning to open a ballroom dancing studio in Baghdad, with franchises across the country, as a way to keep the Iraqis who are out of step with the American way in line. Their marketing slogan will be "No Iraqi With Two Left Feet Behind."
"With a small number of instructors, minimal equipment, no body armor and lots of open space we'll have those termite terrorists dancing in the streets to the strains of Guy Lombardo and his orchestra in no time," Rumsfeld told Cheaters & Liars. "If that doesn't put an end to the violent Iraq and Roll era within four to six months I will get on my knees and kiss Condi's big, brown ass," he added.
"Isn't Rummy sweet," replied Rice.
