Thursday, October 05, 2006

 

House Speaker Befuddled By Page Controversy

WASHINGTON, October 5 - House Speaker Dennis Hastert says he doesn't know why the media is making a cause celebre about Mark Foley's indiscretions with congressional pages. He claims that pages have always had close personal contact with their Washington benefactors and it should be no surprise that a complaint will surface from time to time.

"Pages are chosen for their good looks and willingness to serve in whatever capacity is needed," says Hastert. "They love rubbing against the movers and shakers in Congress," Hastert points out.

Until a decade ago, according to the House Speaker, Democrats joined Republicans in dating and partying with Congressional pages. But the "pussy-whipped dems" now turn down invitations to join the "fun and frolicking," claiming their wives expect them home for dinner, says Hastert.

Hastert explains that many of the soirees to which the pages are invited are sponsored by leading national publications such as Ms. Magazine, Hustler, and Martha Stewart Living. In addition to Congressmen, according to Hastert, celebrities of all persuasions have attended the festivities. "We had Mel Gibson at one event dressed as a Rabbi and Arnold Schwarzenegger once came in drag," he says.

Hastert revealed that the pages carry "contact cards" to be turned in at the end of their year of service to the Republican leadership for valuable prizes. "Each time a page has a close, personal contact with a Congressman, he signs the page's card. The page with the most signatures, for example, gets to spend a week in San Francisco with the Congressman of his or her choice," Hastert explains.

"Foley's problem," says Hastert, "was his fear of coming out of the closet." The House Speaker suggests that Foley would have been much better off "letting it all hang out" and not "pussyfooting with self-incriminating emails."

"I would be legally married to my chief-of-staff Scott Palmer if it wasn't for the cowardly state legislators in Illinois who are unwilling to allow gays the same rights as heterosexuals," says Hastert. "And there's no reason why 16-year-old boys can't explore their sexuality with gentle, caring, conservative Republican men," he adds.

"There are fewer and fewer perks that Congressmen can take advantage of thanks to the Machiavellian House rules and the goody two-shoes on the Ethics Committee," Hastert argues. "They should allow us to savor a little young, tender meat from time to time to relieve the stress that goes with this job."

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